Breaking the Cycle: Mary Washington advocates for generations of mental health
By Kelly Spieker
By Kelly Spieker
Mary Washington knows the mental health of a loved one can affect the entire family. As the eldest of five children, Mary grew up watching her parents navigate the mental health challenges of two of her siblings, even as the demands of the military kept their family moving from state to state — and eventually overseas.
After decades of anger and confusion related to those experiences, Mary found community and understanding within NAMI Colorado Springs’ Family-to-Family program, an eight-week course designed to help families better understand their loved ones’ mental health conditions. She also participates in our Thursday night Family Support Group.
In November, we talked to Mary about how NAMI has become an important resource for her and how she hopes to encourage other people of color to access it as well.
How did your family end up in Colorado Springs?
Well, I’ve lived in Colorado Springs since 1962. I’m from all over with a military dad, and we came here with the Air Force — this was his next-to-last assignment before retirement. We moved here from Okinawa, Japan, and I’ve lived in California, Washington and Arkansas. I graduated from Palmer High School and got a scholarship from Doane University in Crete, Nebraska. I left for four years to go to school and came back here and started working.
I started out in human resources at a local bank and worked there for about eight years, but my daughter was getting older, and I wanted more income. I loved that job, but it wasn’t enough as a single mother, so I got an opportunity to get into defense contracts as a buyer. Most of my background is in procurement and supply management.
You didn’t seek out NAMI — it was more like NAMI sought you out. How did that happen?
I was sitting home one Thursday afternoon in early May of 2022, and I got an email from I don’t know who, but it mentioned NAMI. I went on Google to look up NAMI Colorado Springs and found out about the Family Support Group at First United Methodist Church, and it was meeting that very night. Once I understood that it was a resource for families of loved ones who had mental illness, I went that night.
I have a brother and sister who have had issues for the past 40 years. My mom and dad were the primary caregivers, but then my mom passed away in 2019, at 91 years old, and I was at a place where I needed a resource for myself. I reached a point in my life where I wasn’t handling this well and didn’t want to spend another 20 years not understanding what was going on with my siblings. You think it’s just the caregivers, but this was impacting my entire family.
I went to support group for three months and then [Family Support Group facilitators] mentioned the Family-to-Family class, which was eight weeks. I just felt so good about group that I wanted to learn everything I could to help cope and react to all that has happened with my family. When I got to class, it was just what I needed.
What did the class do for you?
The [Family-to-Family] instructors mentioned that they had gone through this with their family members. They would prepare us each week, and the written materials were eye-opening. It kind of pulls some things together from support group, because in group you find the different levels and progression of dealing with a loved one. I was at level one — angry, confused and just not dealing well.
I have a better understanding of my mom and dad and what struggles they had, having two children they were trying to support. [Family-to-Family] helped me to deal with those areas of why they were so focused on my siblings versus the rest of the family. And there were breakthrough moments like that the whole time. I didn’t realize this had been a major trauma in life. It was just a natural flow from support group to the lessons in class — it was like a light bulb, and I’ve just been so grateful. …
For me, the thing that came out of it is, all this illness is out of my control with my loved ones. This gave me a way to learn how to self-care and give myself permission to give myself self-care.
What’s next on your journey with NAMI?
What I’m doing now is just taking a little time off as we get through the holidays.
I wound up on the NAMI Colorado Springs website looking to be a NAMI member so I can continue to get information and alerts, and I saw what the purpose of what being a member was.
I am realizing that there are so many different types of mental illness, and you must understand that treatment is individual for each person. You must be at a place where you have someone who is your resource, and you must be diagnosed. That was part of the problem – my mom and dad never shared what the issue was, as far as the diagnosis of my brother and sister. I never knew what it was we were dealing with. … Communication is key, because there is this whole mystery if you don’t know what’s wrong. You have no idea how to help.
Stigma is real for most of us, but it takes on different forms in different communities. How have you seen it within the BIPOC community?
No one person represents the whole black race, and I can’t speak for the whole race — I can only come from personal experience. From our perspective … we had this mental illness that no one wanted to talk about. My mom was in denial, the siblings were in denial — it was just one of those things we weren’t going to talk about. If my parents wouldn’t even talk about it within the family, they wouldn’t talk about it outside the family, which added stress to the whole situation.
When I walked into First United Methodist that first Thursday night, I was the only person of color there. Now, there might have been other races in terms of color, but as far as a black person — there were none but me. When I went to the [Family-to-Family] class, I was the only black person in the room.
But in my work in this community and the volunteering I’ve done, I’ve always been the only one of two, or one of three. It doesn’t bother me, but I wonder why more black people are not taking advantage of this free resource in the community.
I think for black men and women, they want to see themselves before they participate. If you don’t see yourself, you’re thinking you don’t belong — even if you need the resource. I came away from this whole experience knowing I could be an advocate and say [NAMI] is a worthwhile organization. That outreach can go a long way, and I think sharing — regardless of what color you are — how much NAMI has helped is important.
How is the relationship with your family now?
I have a realization with my brother and sister, and they will talk to me about anything but their condition … sometimes even with the people closest to you, you can’t make a dent. If you’re in denial and don’t want to believe the truth — until there is a breakthrough and you want to know more, it’s just not going to happen ....
I have been retired for four years, and I don’t know if I was still working if I’d have pursued NAMI. I would have made excuses. But I believe that email was divine intervention and the last several months have just been an amazing journey. I’ve been helped so much.
If I can help just one other person, or someone going through some similar issues, that is deep in my heart. NAMI is very needed, and we just have to raise the hope and give resources to people.
NAMI Colorado Springs can offer Family-to-Family and Family Support Group at no cost because of the generosity of its donors. And with more than 80 volunteers helping us deliver programs, we do our best to keep costs low. If you can help support our classes and groups for people like Sandy, please consider donating here.
After decades of anger and confusion related to those experiences, Mary found community and understanding within NAMI Colorado Springs’ Family-to-Family program, an eight-week course designed to help families better understand their loved ones’ mental health conditions. She also participates in our Thursday night Family Support Group.
In November, we talked to Mary about how NAMI has become an important resource for her and how she hopes to encourage other people of color to access it as well.
How did your family end up in Colorado Springs?
Well, I’ve lived in Colorado Springs since 1962. I’m from all over with a military dad, and we came here with the Air Force — this was his next-to-last assignment before retirement. We moved here from Okinawa, Japan, and I’ve lived in California, Washington and Arkansas. I graduated from Palmer High School and got a scholarship from Doane University in Crete, Nebraska. I left for four years to go to school and came back here and started working.
I started out in human resources at a local bank and worked there for about eight years, but my daughter was getting older, and I wanted more income. I loved that job, but it wasn’t enough as a single mother, so I got an opportunity to get into defense contracts as a buyer. Most of my background is in procurement and supply management.
You didn’t seek out NAMI — it was more like NAMI sought you out. How did that happen?
I was sitting home one Thursday afternoon in early May of 2022, and I got an email from I don’t know who, but it mentioned NAMI. I went on Google to look up NAMI Colorado Springs and found out about the Family Support Group at First United Methodist Church, and it was meeting that very night. Once I understood that it was a resource for families of loved ones who had mental illness, I went that night.
I have a brother and sister who have had issues for the past 40 years. My mom and dad were the primary caregivers, but then my mom passed away in 2019, at 91 years old, and I was at a place where I needed a resource for myself. I reached a point in my life where I wasn’t handling this well and didn’t want to spend another 20 years not understanding what was going on with my siblings. You think it’s just the caregivers, but this was impacting my entire family.
I went to support group for three months and then [Family Support Group facilitators] mentioned the Family-to-Family class, which was eight weeks. I just felt so good about group that I wanted to learn everything I could to help cope and react to all that has happened with my family. When I got to class, it was just what I needed.
What did the class do for you?
The [Family-to-Family] instructors mentioned that they had gone through this with their family members. They would prepare us each week, and the written materials were eye-opening. It kind of pulls some things together from support group, because in group you find the different levels and progression of dealing with a loved one. I was at level one — angry, confused and just not dealing well.
I have a better understanding of my mom and dad and what struggles they had, having two children they were trying to support. [Family-to-Family] helped me to deal with those areas of why they were so focused on my siblings versus the rest of the family. And there were breakthrough moments like that the whole time. I didn’t realize this had been a major trauma in life. It was just a natural flow from support group to the lessons in class — it was like a light bulb, and I’ve just been so grateful. …
For me, the thing that came out of it is, all this illness is out of my control with my loved ones. This gave me a way to learn how to self-care and give myself permission to give myself self-care.
What’s next on your journey with NAMI?
What I’m doing now is just taking a little time off as we get through the holidays.
I wound up on the NAMI Colorado Springs website looking to be a NAMI member so I can continue to get information and alerts, and I saw what the purpose of what being a member was.
I am realizing that there are so many different types of mental illness, and you must understand that treatment is individual for each person. You must be at a place where you have someone who is your resource, and you must be diagnosed. That was part of the problem – my mom and dad never shared what the issue was, as far as the diagnosis of my brother and sister. I never knew what it was we were dealing with. … Communication is key, because there is this whole mystery if you don’t know what’s wrong. You have no idea how to help.
Stigma is real for most of us, but it takes on different forms in different communities. How have you seen it within the BIPOC community?
No one person represents the whole black race, and I can’t speak for the whole race — I can only come from personal experience. From our perspective … we had this mental illness that no one wanted to talk about. My mom was in denial, the siblings were in denial — it was just one of those things we weren’t going to talk about. If my parents wouldn’t even talk about it within the family, they wouldn’t talk about it outside the family, which added stress to the whole situation.
When I walked into First United Methodist that first Thursday night, I was the only person of color there. Now, there might have been other races in terms of color, but as far as a black person — there were none but me. When I went to the [Family-to-Family] class, I was the only black person in the room.
But in my work in this community and the volunteering I’ve done, I’ve always been the only one of two, or one of three. It doesn’t bother me, but I wonder why more black people are not taking advantage of this free resource in the community.
I think for black men and women, they want to see themselves before they participate. If you don’t see yourself, you’re thinking you don’t belong — even if you need the resource. I came away from this whole experience knowing I could be an advocate and say [NAMI] is a worthwhile organization. That outreach can go a long way, and I think sharing — regardless of what color you are — how much NAMI has helped is important.
How is the relationship with your family now?
I have a realization with my brother and sister, and they will talk to me about anything but their condition … sometimes even with the people closest to you, you can’t make a dent. If you’re in denial and don’t want to believe the truth — until there is a breakthrough and you want to know more, it’s just not going to happen ....
I have been retired for four years, and I don’t know if I was still working if I’d have pursued NAMI. I would have made excuses. But I believe that email was divine intervention and the last several months have just been an amazing journey. I’ve been helped so much.
If I can help just one other person, or someone going through some similar issues, that is deep in my heart. NAMI is very needed, and we just have to raise the hope and give resources to people.
NAMI Colorado Springs can offer Family-to-Family and Family Support Group at no cost because of the generosity of its donors. And with more than 80 volunteers helping us deliver programs, we do our best to keep costs low. If you can help support our classes and groups for people like Sandy, please consider donating here.